The truth about love

Well, the truth as I know it anyway...

Love...I was always taught that you have to love everyone--it is what Jesus asks of us. Loving everyone may not seem like a natural thing. If I don't know you, how can I love you? But, love is a choice. It is not a feeling. So, I choose to have love for everyone. Yes, everyone. Then, there is another step called unconditional love. This means that you love someone no matter what, really...no matter what and just the way that they are. Of course, there's the feeling of "in love", too. And, that's all that is, a feeling. It cannot be trusted, relied upon or used to make decisions. Feelings are fickle. True love is a choice and has nothing to do with feelings.

Like...Now, I was also always taught that you don't have to like everything about someone or like someone all the time in order to love them. I am SO glad my parents taught me that at a very young age. Knowing this gave me a lot of security and now allows me to be honest with my kids and my husband about my feelings without worrying about permanently damaging them.

Love vs. like...Personally, I think it is MUCH easier to love someone than it is to like them. If I love someone, I want the best for them. I want to see them succeed and be happy. Right now, I can't think of anyone that I don't want that for. Even if I dislike something about someone or everything about someone, I still want them to be happy--just maybe away from me. Liking someone is not quite as easy. Grudges, hurt feelings and snap judgments all come into play. Liking someone is still a choice, but I think it's tougher to convince yourself that you like someone than it is to convince yourself that you love them. Not wanting to be around someone that you don't like is a whole lot less damaging than wishing someone ill that you don't love.

Now, you might think I have things completely backwards, but I like the way I think and I'm sticking to it. And here's why...

In my life, this works. I love my husband. I will always love my husband. This is a choice I made when I said "yes" to his marriage proposal and confirmed when I said "I do" at our marriage ceremony. But guess what...I don't always like him (and this works both ways, trust me). And, you know what? That's okay. He has come to understand that just because I'm upset or angry, I'm not thinking about leaving him or divorcing him. I still LOVE him, I just don't like him right now. This works for us.

When we had a child with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) living with us, we taught him the same concept. Now, it took him a little longer to "get it" than we would have liked, but eventually he did. In the early days, if he got into trouble he literally asked if he should go pack his bags to move out. This kid had been abandoned over and over and over, so you can see why he'd jump to that conclusion. Teaching him that we would always love him even when we didn't like his actions or his attitude was priceless. This child was predicted to not have the ability to attach, but he did. He loves us. He is still attached to us. Want some proof?
Parenting is tough. Acting in a loving way towards your children all the time is IMPOSSIBLE. Okay, maybe not for you, but it is for me. I am glad that my kids know that I love them NO MATTER WHAT!!! Even if I yell or punish or just have to disappear to my room for a few minutes to cool down, they still know that I love them. I'm glad for that. Kids need that security. They need to know that they are loved all the time.

So, how does love progress? It's different with everyone, in my opinion.

With my husband, I had that general love for him that I have for all people. Then, I liked him. Then, I was "in love" with him. Then, I committed to love him unconditionally for the rest of my life.

With our first kiddos, I fell head over heals in love with the younger boy. The being "in love" with and the unconditional love were there instantaneously. The liking came and went--as it does with everyone else. The older boy (the one with RAD) presented a few unique challenges. I loved him, but was definitely not "in love" with him. That took a long time. I had unconditional love for him immediately, but I had to show it differently.

With Gavin, everything came all at once. He was so sick when he was born and he needed me so badly. I loved him, I liked him, I was "in love" with him immediately and the unconditional love was there, as well. With a child, that just doesn't seem like a choice to me--like it did with my husband.

Reily was a different story. I loved him--it is a choice. I did not like him very much. I had unconditional love for him. I was not "in love" with him. It took months. I remember looking at him one day, though, and thinking "I like you, I really do like you". That was a freeing feeling for me. I had wanted to like him and feel "in love" with him, but for many reasons, that had to develop over time.

What about Kayla? Good question! I love this girl. I longed for this girl. There are many moments where I adore this girl. There are some other moments where she drives me out of my mind and I'd love nothing more than to put her down and walk away for 30 minutes just to take a break. Right now, she doesn't know that my love is unconditional. She doesn't know that I will love her no matter what--even if I don't like her at the moment. She needs to learn that. It will take time. Right now, I'm not even sure she knows what love is. She hasn't had a mommy, she's just been cared for by any woman who walked into the room. She has figured out that I'm "her woman" and she seems to like me. She's starting to show affection of her own free will. Most of the time she still seems well attached after she's been "corrected". Once in a while, she has an extra needy attachment moment, but they don't usually act long and because of past experience, I can see them coming a mile away, so I'm on it! I do love this girl, but I'm not sure I'm "in love" with this girl just yet.

Well, what in the world does that mean? Pretty much nothing. Love is a choice and I love her. I guess what's missing is that warm, fuzzy feeling that comes with new love--that being "in love". Personally, I think way too much importance is placed on that feeling and I don't give it much credit. I would like to feel it more with Kayla and I believe we'll get there, but either way, I love her. I have moments where I am "in love" with her, but not all the time. I guess I expected it to just come all at once like it did with our younger foster boy--almost to be more consuming. I'm not sure why it hasn't, but I'm giving myself permission to feel the way that I'm feeling. After all, keeping my heart out of it is the only way I made it through the trials of international adoption. Plus, it can take me time to permanently attach and that's okay. I have absolutely no doubts that we'll get there.

Why am I sharing all of this? I guess just so that people going through the same thing know that it's okay to love someone without liking them all the time or to not feel completely attached to someone immediately. I mean, typically you don't meet someone of the opposite sex and immediately pledge your undying love to them. Why should that happen with children? Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. And, that's okay. Love is a choice.