One Month

Well, we've been home exactly one month today. It's been an interesting month!

We celebrated Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, threw a little birthday party for Kayla and had many friends and family members over to meet our little lady. We have enjoyed many meals from friends who chose to bless us in that way. Kayla has received more gifts than we know what to do with. We've been to church twice. I had to take Kayla (and the boys) with me to work one morning. We have played, slept, worked, bonded, gotten sick, etc... Like I said, it's been an interesting month! I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Kayla is a great addition to our family. I don't really feel like adding her has been a huge adjustment. Sure, we've all had to adjust, but it hasn't sent us into a tailspin or anything like that. For the most part, Kayla just fits. And, she's doing great!

Every day she exhibits some newly learned "trick". We are thrilled with her progress. Just three months ago we heard that she had no use of her legs. A couple of days ago, she started walking behind a toy and along the furniture--and she's very proud of herself, I might add. She has learned quite a bit of sign language and is even answering questions with it. Just yesterday, Chris asked her if she was hungry. She answered with the sign for "eat". That means she understood the question completely AND knew the answer. Being able to communicate with her is wonderful. I'm not sure how much English she understands, but she seems to get more and more everyday. Little brains are so amazing. Hers is particularly amazing to me. She has started giving affection without anyone asking for it. It's her choice. I LOVE that. She is back to two naps per day and still sleeps through the night. For the most part, her attachment seems to be going very well. We haven't had to stay home as much as I thought we'd have to, but we're still the only ones providing care for her and we don't leave her with anyone else yet. All in all, I'd say she's doing great! I'd give her an A. I'd give me a solid B+. Chris always lives in A+ land, well except for when I'm sick (for the 2nd day of that he gets a C-). Gavin gets an A (he's doing great, but drives me a little nuts with always wanting to be close to her, so no +). Reily is going to get a B+. He lost his place as the baby and we knew he'd struggle more than Gavin, but I expected him to operate at about D level, so a B+ is great! We'll take it.

Month one has been good. I hope the rest look like this.

The truth about love

Well, the truth as I know it anyway...

Love...I was always taught that you have to love everyone--it is what Jesus asks of us. Loving everyone may not seem like a natural thing. If I don't know you, how can I love you? But, love is a choice. It is not a feeling. So, I choose to have love for everyone. Yes, everyone. Then, there is another step called unconditional love. This means that you love someone no matter what, really...no matter what and just the way that they are. Of course, there's the feeling of "in love", too. And, that's all that is, a feeling. It cannot be trusted, relied upon or used to make decisions. Feelings are fickle. True love is a choice and has nothing to do with feelings.

Like...Now, I was also always taught that you don't have to like everything about someone or like someone all the time in order to love them. I am SO glad my parents taught me that at a very young age. Knowing this gave me a lot of security and now allows me to be honest with my kids and my husband about my feelings without worrying about permanently damaging them.

Love vs. like...Personally, I think it is MUCH easier to love someone than it is to like them. If I love someone, I want the best for them. I want to see them succeed and be happy. Right now, I can't think of anyone that I don't want that for. Even if I dislike something about someone or everything about someone, I still want them to be happy--just maybe away from me. Liking someone is not quite as easy. Grudges, hurt feelings and snap judgments all come into play. Liking someone is still a choice, but I think it's tougher to convince yourself that you like someone than it is to convince yourself that you love them. Not wanting to be around someone that you don't like is a whole lot less damaging than wishing someone ill that you don't love.

Now, you might think I have things completely backwards, but I like the way I think and I'm sticking to it. And here's why...

In my life, this works. I love my husband. I will always love my husband. This is a choice I made when I said "yes" to his marriage proposal and confirmed when I said "I do" at our marriage ceremony. But guess what...I don't always like him (and this works both ways, trust me). And, you know what? That's okay. He has come to understand that just because I'm upset or angry, I'm not thinking about leaving him or divorcing him. I still LOVE him, I just don't like him right now. This works for us.

When we had a child with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) living with us, we taught him the same concept. Now, it took him a little longer to "get it" than we would have liked, but eventually he did. In the early days, if he got into trouble he literally asked if he should go pack his bags to move out. This kid had been abandoned over and over and over, so you can see why he'd jump to that conclusion. Teaching him that we would always love him even when we didn't like his actions or his attitude was priceless. This child was predicted to not have the ability to attach, but he did. He loves us. He is still attached to us. Want some proof?
Parenting is tough. Acting in a loving way towards your children all the time is IMPOSSIBLE. Okay, maybe not for you, but it is for me. I am glad that my kids know that I love them NO MATTER WHAT!!! Even if I yell or punish or just have to disappear to my room for a few minutes to cool down, they still know that I love them. I'm glad for that. Kids need that security. They need to know that they are loved all the time.

So, how does love progress? It's different with everyone, in my opinion.

With my husband, I had that general love for him that I have for all people. Then, I liked him. Then, I was "in love" with him. Then, I committed to love him unconditionally for the rest of my life.

With our first kiddos, I fell head over heals in love with the younger boy. The being "in love" with and the unconditional love were there instantaneously. The liking came and went--as it does with everyone else. The older boy (the one with RAD) presented a few unique challenges. I loved him, but was definitely not "in love" with him. That took a long time. I had unconditional love for him immediately, but I had to show it differently.

With Gavin, everything came all at once. He was so sick when he was born and he needed me so badly. I loved him, I liked him, I was "in love" with him immediately and the unconditional love was there, as well. With a child, that just doesn't seem like a choice to me--like it did with my husband.

Reily was a different story. I loved him--it is a choice. I did not like him very much. I had unconditional love for him. I was not "in love" with him. It took months. I remember looking at him one day, though, and thinking "I like you, I really do like you". That was a freeing feeling for me. I had wanted to like him and feel "in love" with him, but for many reasons, that had to develop over time.

What about Kayla? Good question! I love this girl. I longed for this girl. There are many moments where I adore this girl. There are some other moments where she drives me out of my mind and I'd love nothing more than to put her down and walk away for 30 minutes just to take a break. Right now, she doesn't know that my love is unconditional. She doesn't know that I will love her no matter what--even if I don't like her at the moment. She needs to learn that. It will take time. Right now, I'm not even sure she knows what love is. She hasn't had a mommy, she's just been cared for by any woman who walked into the room. She has figured out that I'm "her woman" and she seems to like me. She's starting to show affection of her own free will. Most of the time she still seems well attached after she's been "corrected". Once in a while, she has an extra needy attachment moment, but they don't usually act long and because of past experience, I can see them coming a mile away, so I'm on it! I do love this girl, but I'm not sure I'm "in love" with this girl just yet.

Well, what in the world does that mean? Pretty much nothing. Love is a choice and I love her. I guess what's missing is that warm, fuzzy feeling that comes with new love--that being "in love". Personally, I think way too much importance is placed on that feeling and I don't give it much credit. I would like to feel it more with Kayla and I believe we'll get there, but either way, I love her. I have moments where I am "in love" with her, but not all the time. I guess I expected it to just come all at once like it did with our younger foster boy--almost to be more consuming. I'm not sure why it hasn't, but I'm giving myself permission to feel the way that I'm feeling. After all, keeping my heart out of it is the only way I made it through the trials of international adoption. Plus, it can take me time to permanently attach and that's okay. I have absolutely no doubts that we'll get there.

Why am I sharing all of this? I guess just so that people going through the same thing know that it's okay to love someone without liking them all the time or to not feel completely attached to someone immediately. I mean, typically you don't meet someone of the opposite sex and immediately pledge your undying love to them. Why should that happen with children? Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. And, that's okay. Love is a choice.

Random Ramblings

Random Thought #1
Tonight is my first night with all three kids and without Chris. So far, so good. Dinner was a little odd, but they ate it, so I suppose that's a plus. For the past three weeks we've had many generous people bringing us meals (and they're not done just yet). Everything has been delicious and way more than one small family can eat in a night so we've had loads of leftovers to enjoy. Well, tonight we didn't eat quite so well because it was all up to me! Kayla had spaghettios with some random veggies mixed in. The boys and I had pizza rolls, chicken nuggets and apple slices. Oh, and peanut M&Ms for dessert. Not quite the picture of nutrition, but they'll live.

Random Thought #2
Attachment parenting is for the birds. We have parented, rather successfully I might add, a child with full blown RAD. It was a tough 2.5 years, but we did it and he attached--not like a completely healthy child would, but he attached. Kayla has a whole different type of attachment junk going on. Last night, she needed attachment parenting but I was exhausted and just not in the mood. Fortunately, we're having a much more in-tune day today and I'm back in the mood. Things are going better. Still, attachment parenting is for the birds. I sincerely hope that by hitting it hard and steady right now, we won't have to deal with RAD later. I'll do it if I have to, but I'd rather just not have to.

Random Thought #3
I loathe children that scream. It drives me CRAZY! Recently, my boys have decided that screaming for no reason at all is a great activity. Well, I made a new rule...any kid who screams for no reason at all gets a 5 minute timeout in their room--no warnings or options, just to the room.

Random Thought #4
I love my kids...even the ones that scream for no reason and the one who needs the attachment parenting. I may not like them all the time, but I do love them.

Random Thought #5
Businesses that screw you over and then don't apologize don't deserve your business anymore. Crossing another one off the list today. Seriously, is it THAT hard to apologize? Note to self: up the making sure kids learn to say sorry, genuinely. Apparently, if I don't teach them no one will and then they'll create more problems like the major one I had to deal with today and won't know to apologize as adults. I'm sorry goes a long way, and it has never killed anyone to say it--not that I know of anyway.

Random Thought #6
Is it bedtime for the kids yet? Nope...one more hour.

Okay, so that's it. Well, all I feel free to share right now anyway. I definitely have more than that going on in my head right now, but I'll keep the rest in there for a while. Seriously random, right?

Baby Girl

Well, Kayla is much more like a baby than I thought our daughter would be when we applied to adopt. I don't think it's any secret that we thought we'd end up with a child closer to two, but we left it up to God and Kayla is who we got! We are thoroughly enjoying her. It helps that she sleeps through the night and seems to pick up new "big girl" skills every day. In the past few days she has learned to...

Put food into her own mouth (PRAISE GOD!!!!)
Walk behind a toy (sorry for the blur, but she was a movin')
Give kisses (this is the face I get when I ask, "Do you have a kiss for mama?")

She has also learned a lot of new words and signs.
She says...
mama, baba (for bottle), ni-ni (for bed time) and we're working on dada
She signs...
all done, more and eat (mostly more since she eats like a pi
Her receptive language is getting better and better each day and so is the use of her legs.

Here are a couple of pictures we had to include with our first post-placement report.

TOTALLY unflattering, but it met the requirement!

Reily insisted on having this one taken. I think it's sweet (even if she does look like she'd rather be anywhere else and he's totally faking that he likes her that close to him).

Ethiopia

I know I haven't been posting very regularly lately. Thanks to those of you who still bother to check in. I'll get back into the swing of it, eventually!

Today, I want to post about Ethiopia. I just watched a video that another adopting family put together on why they decided to adopt from Ethiopia. While our reasons are not all the same, the video was very moving and showed many different images of Ethiopia and her people. Ethiopia is a beautiful country. Her people are amazing and her landscapes are to be admired. It is not a dessert--it is not hot all the time. The people are beautiful and kind. The children are happy with so little. I LOVED Ethiopia. I have traveled to many different countries...some that even greatly resemble Ethiopia...but none have made me feel like Ethiopia did. To look at the pictures may not evoke the same feelings for you, but I want to share them anyway. Truthfully, if I were given the opportunity to leave everything (except my family) behind and move there tomorrow, you could not hold me back. I would go. It is no secret that Chris and I want to pursue missions. I don't know that we will end up in Ethiopia, but I would love it!

2 weeks, 2 days and a bunch of photos

Well, we have been home a total of 2 weeks and 2 days with Kayla and it has been a whirlwind. My original intention was just to stay home with her, keep visitors to a minimum and just work on bonding. Almost none of that has happened! We have been swimming at the Y, to a children's museum and even went to church once. We have had MANY visitors and that has gone very well. We have celebrated Christmas and had a little birthday party for Kayla (we celebrated 14 months since we weren't together when she turned one). The one thing that has happened is that we've had lots of time to bond. Sure, we have our ups and downs, but for the most part, this girlie is very attached to me and is really starting to like her daddy--she loves spending time with her big brothers, but she's used to being surrounded by other kiddos, so that was no surprise. I wouldn't say there is a permanent attachment just yet, but we'll get there.

All in all, things are still going very well--just not as I expected, but that's life! Kayla is sleeping in her own room and she needs to be spoon fed everything. She didn't come home with any parasites, so we're already well into using cloth diapers--so far, so good. However, she did come home with a horribly runny nose and it hasn't stopped since. I'm a little nervous that one day I'll just end up wiping off her nose if this doesn't stop soon! The poor kid has started to whine at the site of a tissue. I think she's as sick of it as we are--maybe more!

Anyway, here are some photos of what we've been up to. The pictures will make it look like we never slow down, but we do. We just don't take pictures of those moments. What fun would they be to look at?

Swimming...we ALL loved it, especially Kayla

Realizing we may be a bit outnumbered!

My sisters, Karena and Charity

My brother, Jacob, and his wife, Jenny
Bath time!!! She loves it

Grandpa Rick (Chris' dad)

Chris' sister, Kelly, and her daughter, Kacey--she likes to give hugs
Mmmm...the cake was delicious AND pretty (made by Auntie Kirsten!)

Kayla eating her birthday cake

Presents--thanks everybody

Mommy's free time is rare, but thanks to this thing I do get some
The brothers help, too

She's turned into a bit of a clown--always making faces and wanting us to copy her. We love it!I think the next two weeks and two days will be a bit slower now that so many people have already met our girl. She still just feels like a great fit to our family and we're loving every minute with her.

"Holiday" Cards & A Year in Review

We finally got around to sending our our "holiday" cards this year. In my defense, I wanted to wait until we could send a picture of Kayla and I did get them made and mailed within 10 days of getting home with her. So, they turned into "Happy 2011" cards. If you didn't get one, it's not because I don't love you, it's probably because I don't have your address. So, here are the two photos we included.

Gavin, Kayla & ReilyWe also turned it into a little announcement about Kayla's arrival.

She's finally home!
Kayla Habtame Meehan
Born: 11/14/2009, Home 12/31/2010

I did not include a letter, just our blog address, so if you got the card and were just dying for more information about our year, here you go...

2010 was a year full of changes for the Meehan family. It was full of trials and joys, as well. I loved parts and hated parts. One thing I am sure of, I am glad 2010 is over.

Chris and I started off the year by going to El Salvador for a mission trip in January/February. Foreign missions is something that I have always wanted to do and I have participated in many short term trips. Chris thought foreign missions was a good idea, but since he had never done anything like that, he wasn't sure if he wanted to commit his life to it. Well, on that trip, he had a very defining moment and we definitely plan to pursue a stint in foreign missions in the near future.

That was one MAJOR change that came from that trip. Another change was that we decided we needed to speed up the adoption we started in May, 2009. We opted to switch agencies and within days we had a referral for a beautiful baby girl. We had always anticipated receiving a referral for an 18 month old girl who would be closer to 2 when we brought her home. When the social worker said, "I have a referral for a 4 1/2 month old baby girl for you", I said, "You have a what?" Then, I saw the photos and I was IN LOVE!!! Gavin saw the photos and said, "That's not what Kayla looks like." We had always showed him little two-year-old girls with lots of hair. Here was a tiny baby who was completely bald. I just told him that is what Kayla looks like and he accepted it. Chris was at work and I had never called him at work and wasn't real sure how to track him down, so he wasn't even the first person I told, but I did eventually get a hold of him and we both got to be in shock. Then, I had to go to church and teach a Bible study. Fortunately, my group was very understanding--my mind was definitely NOT on the study that night!

That phone call started what would become a huge roller coaster ride. The next 8 1/2 months brought lots of stress, agony, sadness and joy. We quickly learned that we would have to travel to Ethiopia twice under a new rule, but there was no going back since we had already seen her photos and fallen in love. So, we started selling things we didn't need, fund raising and applying for grants. God was so incredibly faithful that we received more than we needed for the 2nd trip and should be able to come out of this adoption with no debt (yippee!!!).

2010 brought some changes for our boys, as well. Gavin turned 5!!! and finished his last year at his preschool and transitioned to a 4k program at the private school where he will attend kindergarten next year. He is loving the new school and doing very well. Gavin is definitely our oldest child and totally acts like it. He is in charge and bossy, but has his sweet moments, too. In all honesty, he's pretty much all me. We have the same temperament. Some times, we butt heads and other times we really enjoy one another because of our similarities. Gavin has been begging for a little sister for a long time, so he was very excited about Kayla joining our family.

Reily started preschool this year at our church and is really enjoying his class. The total opposite of Gavin, he is all Chris! He is our cuddly bug, but also has the temper to go with the red hair! (I don't think that comes from Chris.) He was not quite as excited about Kayla joining our family as Gavin was. I think Reily has enjoyed being the baby in our family and he wasn't quite ready to give that up just yet. Reily turned 4 in November and we had a joint birthday party with his cousin Kacey who has the exact same birthday.

In October, Chris and I traveled to Ethiopia for our first trip. We met Kayla, spoke with her pediatrician about her medical issues and went to court and stood before a judge to declare our desire to adopt Kayla. The adoption was granted and we were thrilled! We did learn some things about her medical issues while we were in Ethiopia that were a complete shock. We were told that she had no use of her legs and that they were unsure if she was developing muscles. Tests showed that there was nothing medically wrong with her, but this was still concerning. She was nearly 12 months old. It was very hard to leave her behind--totally unsure of her developmental health and not knowing when we'd return--but we did it. Then, the real agony began.

Every stage of the adoption game is difficult, but it gets more difficult after you have seen a photo of your child and even more difficult to wait after you have met your child! Eventually, we did get the news that we would be traveling to Ethiopia 12/22 to bring our baby girl home. We were tense until the moment we left, but we got on that plane and landing in Ethiopia was a wonderful feeling. Getting to see Kayla again was amazing! During our first visit she started crawling and we were shocked. No one had told us about her progress, so we surprised--in a good way this time. During our trip we had the opportunity to meet a member of Kayla's birth family. For me, this was especially meaningful. I always knew that I wanted to meet my birth family (and I have). That was important to me as an adopted child. Part of the reason we chose Ethiopia was that we knew we could meet the birth family. It was a very special meeting. I am choosing to keep many of the details to myself for now, as this is Kayla's story. I don't even know when we'll share details with her, but I am so glad that we have details to share!

The second trip to Ethiopia was amazing. The countryside is beautiful and the people are amazing. Truth be told, if I were to find the right opportunity, I would move there tomorrow. I plan to post more about our trip, along with pictures, when I have some more free time.

Everyone is adjusting amazingly well. Kayla is sleeping through the night and eating like a little piggy! Gavin just adores her and can't get enough of her. Reily isn't quite as into her, but he definitely loves her and is doing much better than we had anticipated. Since Kayla is sleeping through the night, I'm doing great. Chris is Chris. Nothing really ever throws him off. Honestly, Kayla just fits with our family. I don't feel like this has been a huge transition or incredibly difficult. She is a total joy and a very happy little girl. She loves to make faces and have us copy her. She loves to laugh and smile and play. Right now, I'm watching her with Gavin just playing in the corner. She definitely loves her mommy and wants to be held most of the day, but once in a while I get a good break--usually thanks to her big brothers! She is bonding well with Chris, too.

2010 didn't bring too much family travel excitement as we were really pinching pennies to cover our adoption, but we did manage to fit in a couple of trips to Wisconsin Dells and other outdoor waterparks with the boys. We made sure to hit up all the children's museums within driving distance and we were able to enjoy a long weekend in Chicago thanks to the generosity of our church for Pastor Appreciation.

Speaking of that...2010 brought another huge change for me. I resigned from my position as a minister at NRC. I felt like I was needed more at home and that's where my ministry needs to be focused for now--with my family. God provided a senior pastor for our church just in time. He started the week I ended and it's going great! I am still doing bookkeeping for three churches in our state and I'm hoping to pick up a few more of those for 2011.

2010 closed with us landing in Minneapolis with our baby girl. We walked through immigration 12/31/2010 and she instantly became a US Citizen. We drove home and introduced Kayla to her brothers and then celebrated Christmas with our family. I can't imagine a better way for 2010 to end or 2011 to begin! We are really looking forward to all that 2011 will bring and I promise to keep you posted. You have to know by now that the Meehans are always in the middle of some kind of adventure and I'm sure 2011 will be no different!

How's it going?

People keep asking me this question and my answer is always the same...surprisingly well. Honestly, things are going better than I expected and we couldn't be happier. Kayla naps twice a day and slept through the night last night. She's getting really comfortable with Chris and is entertained by her brothers--and does her fair share of entertaining them, too. She seems happy and comfortable with us, for the most part. We're still figuring each other out. She still prefers to be held most of the time. We're still working on getting her to eat more solids. But, she's doing really, really well. The boys are doing much better than I had expected (especially Reily!). I'm a bit sleep deprived, but that's really nothing new. Life is good. I don't know if it'll stay this way, but for now, we're loving it. Kayla has just fit right in to our family--she hasn't rocked our world or created any major drama. She just fits. We've been waiting for her for a long time and I believe that she was waiting for us, too.

Christmas

Well, we pulled it off! We had Christmas one week late and our kids did not know the difference. Thanks to my family, my plan worked. We got home New Year's Eve and my mom had everything at our house to make our Christmas Eve dinner, so she made it and we all ate it. Then, we opened new jammies and put everyone to bed. The next morning, we opened presents and then my family came back over for our Christmas dinner and more presents. My mom, once again, pulled off the meal and I didn't have to lift a finger. It was a great day. Kayla did very well and seemed to enjoy the company. I enjoyed celebrating Christmas with all three of my kids and I'm glad it's over! Now, time to put away all the decorations...

Christmas breakfast. I think Kayla was feeling a bit "out of it".

All three kiddos in their new Christmas jammies
Opening presents

Stocking time (the boys call them bean stockings--not too sure why)

It was a VERY Merry Christmas, even if it was a week late
(Thanks, mom!)

Photos

All 3 kids are napping (yep, ALL 3), so I decided I'd take advantage of no one needing my attention and post some pictures! Enjoy...Waiting to see our baby girl after two months apart

She's crawling!!!

SOOOO big

Wearing a traditional outfit for the Christmas celebration

SOOOOO cute

I love this girl :)

I don't think she could be any cuter

Lake in Awassa

Leaving the Care Center WITH Kayla

At the hotel

First bath (well, with us anyway)

Enjoying some outside air at the hotel

Farewell ceremony

On the airplane (she did great!)