My Perspective

When you choose to adopt, the reason really isn't anyone's business but your own. But when you choose to adopt, often you end up putting yourself in a situation to stick out like a sore thumb--say, if you're a completely Caucasian couple who chooses to adopt from Ethiopia. People will notice, people will stare, people will decide that your life is their business and will ask questions. So many adoptive parents cannot figure out how to best respond to this type of situation that I wanted to offer my perspective.

My perspective comes from being adopted myself and from parenting a bi-racial family once before that stuck out like a sore thumb and as someone who is preparing to be asked a lot of these types of questions again soon. So...what is my perspective?

Honestly, I think people need to relax a little more about this issue and see it as an opportunity to educate the world about adoption. If you have chosen adoption, chances are, you think it is a great option. If people want to ask you questions, try not being offended (which is really hard sometimes), but try to see their questions as your opportunity to share how wonderful adoption can truly be. Don't be offended for your child, use the moment to teach your child to be proud of how they came into your family. I'm adopted and I LOVE this fact. I have never wanted to hide it or just blend in so that people wouldn't know. I wasn't ashamed of my adoption and I have always loved it when people wanted to know more--it excites me to answer questions about adoption. If my parents had chosen to get all offended or answer in snappy ways, my attitude about adoption probably would have been more shameful. I think my parents were proud of the fact that I was adopted, too, and so that's the attitude I grew up with.

People get all offended when they're asked how much they paid for their child...why? I was bought and paid for and I'm totally cool with that. I mean, you can certainly rephrase the answer so that it doesn't sound like your child was purchased off of a store shelf, but maybe the person asking just wants an education and I say that even if they don't, give them one. I always love informing people that not all adoptions cost money--that there are free options and even options where you can get paid to provide care for certain children. If you're going to ask me a question, you will get an education!

Whenever I see a family that was obviously created through adoption, I want to ask them a million questions, but knowing that so many people get offended by this, I don't ask questions. Why? My questions shouldn't be offensive, I would be asking with the right heart, but I don't want to offend and people choose to be so sensitive. So, I just want to make a suggestion to all adoptive parents out there...choose not to be offended immediately by adoption related questions. You will do more damage by responding in a defensive way than if you answer happily, with a smile on your face and choose to see each question as an opportunity to educate. Also, I have decided that if I see someone staring at my "obvious" family, I am going to smile and say "hi". That way, if they have a question they're dying to ask, I hope that will open the door. I would urge other adoptive parents who want to spread the good news that adoption is a great option to do the same! Let's educate the world, people. Honestly, most people are pretty ignorant about adoption--I know I've received one heck of a crash course through this process and what good is that knowledge if I don't share it? Now, of course there are some situations that don't deserve an answer and sometimes you just need to stare blankly until you can get away because the question or comment was only meant to be offensive, but for the most part, people ask out of true curiosity and probably want an education. If not, and you choose to give an educational answer, I'll bet you the person won't ask anymore questions and the problem will be solved.

Some ideas:

• Your daughter is beautiful, where is she from? -She was born in Ethiopia and we are from _______, Wisconsin.

• Is your little girl adopted? -Yes, she was. Are you interested in adopting?

• Why did you choose to adopt? -Honestly, we believe that God calls all those who can to care for the orphans and we wanted to add to our family. Seemed like a win-win.

• How much did you pay for your daughter? -Less than it cost to deliver my son! She received great care while we were in the process of adopting her--that is what we paid for. She was worth every penny.

• Why would you adopt a black child? -Why not? Color makes no difference to me.

This is just my perspective. Obviously, people are entitled to have very different opinions and handle questions like these differently, if they so choose, but I thought that hearing from an adult adoptee might be a helpful perspective to have. I plan to educate as many people as possible on the topic of adoption. Join me?