My Perspective

When you choose to adopt, the reason really isn't anyone's business but your own. But when you choose to adopt, often you end up putting yourself in a situation to stick out like a sore thumb--say, if you're a completely Caucasian couple who chooses to adopt from Ethiopia. People will notice, people will stare, people will decide that your life is their business and will ask questions. So many adoptive parents cannot figure out how to best respond to this type of situation that I wanted to offer my perspective.

My perspective comes from being adopted myself and from parenting a bi-racial family once before that stuck out like a sore thumb and as someone who is preparing to be asked a lot of these types of questions again soon. So...what is my perspective?

Honestly, I think people need to relax a little more about this issue and see it as an opportunity to educate the world about adoption. If you have chosen adoption, chances are, you think it is a great option. If people want to ask you questions, try not being offended (which is really hard sometimes), but try to see their questions as your opportunity to share how wonderful adoption can truly be. Don't be offended for your child, use the moment to teach your child to be proud of how they came into your family. I'm adopted and I LOVE this fact. I have never wanted to hide it or just blend in so that people wouldn't know. I wasn't ashamed of my adoption and I have always loved it when people wanted to know more--it excites me to answer questions about adoption. If my parents had chosen to get all offended or answer in snappy ways, my attitude about adoption probably would have been more shameful. I think my parents were proud of the fact that I was adopted, too, and so that's the attitude I grew up with.

People get all offended when they're asked how much they paid for their child...why? I was bought and paid for and I'm totally cool with that. I mean, you can certainly rephrase the answer so that it doesn't sound like your child was purchased off of a store shelf, but maybe the person asking just wants an education and I say that even if they don't, give them one. I always love informing people that not all adoptions cost money--that there are free options and even options where you can get paid to provide care for certain children. If you're going to ask me a question, you will get an education!

Whenever I see a family that was obviously created through adoption, I want to ask them a million questions, but knowing that so many people get offended by this, I don't ask questions. Why? My questions shouldn't be offensive, I would be asking with the right heart, but I don't want to offend and people choose to be so sensitive. So, I just want to make a suggestion to all adoptive parents out there...choose not to be offended immediately by adoption related questions. You will do more damage by responding in a defensive way than if you answer happily, with a smile on your face and choose to see each question as an opportunity to educate. Also, I have decided that if I see someone staring at my "obvious" family, I am going to smile and say "hi". That way, if they have a question they're dying to ask, I hope that will open the door. I would urge other adoptive parents who want to spread the good news that adoption is a great option to do the same! Let's educate the world, people. Honestly, most people are pretty ignorant about adoption--I know I've received one heck of a crash course through this process and what good is that knowledge if I don't share it? Now, of course there are some situations that don't deserve an answer and sometimes you just need to stare blankly until you can get away because the question or comment was only meant to be offensive, but for the most part, people ask out of true curiosity and probably want an education. If not, and you choose to give an educational answer, I'll bet you the person won't ask anymore questions and the problem will be solved.

Some ideas:

• Your daughter is beautiful, where is she from? -She was born in Ethiopia and we are from _______, Wisconsin.

• Is your little girl adopted? -Yes, she was. Are you interested in adopting?

• Why did you choose to adopt? -Honestly, we believe that God calls all those who can to care for the orphans and we wanted to add to our family. Seemed like a win-win.

• How much did you pay for your daughter? -Less than it cost to deliver my son! She received great care while we were in the process of adopting her--that is what we paid for. She was worth every penny.

• Why would you adopt a black child? -Why not? Color makes no difference to me.

This is just my perspective. Obviously, people are entitled to have very different opinions and handle questions like these differently, if they so choose, but I thought that hearing from an adult adoptee might be a helpful perspective to have. I plan to educate as many people as possible on the topic of adoption. Join me?

Just thinking...

All of my life I wanted to know my biological family. My adoptive family was everything a kid could ever hope for--maybe more--but I still wanted to know where I came from. I just always felt like a little something was missing. Meeting so many members of my biological family has been pretty wonderful (for the most part). It definitely filled the void I always felt.

Growing up, I always felt a little different from my parents. Now, most people would never guess that I was adopted. I don't look that different from my family--we all have similar hair and eye colors (and skin color, for that matter). Sometimes, I even act like certain members of my adoptive family (mostly my mom and I'm not too ashamed to admit that!), but I think it is more in may mannerisms that anything.

This past week, I got to spend some time with my paternal biological family members and it was really neat, but it got me thinking...how much of our personality really is nature vs. nurture? My kids don't have my eye color or Chris'. Gavin has the same eyes as my bio-dad. Reily has red hair, that apparently comes from that family, as well. It was fun to compare physical traits since those obviously come from my biological family and not my adoptive family, but really, what about personality? I have a STRONG one. Stronger than either of my parents (and that's saying a lot if you know my mom!). In getting to know my biological family members, I see where my personality comes from--in a good way. I definitely have some of the same tendencies that my mom and dad have and have learned to handle situations similarly, but my personality--the root of who I am and why I do what I do and feel how I feel--I really think comes from my biological family. There are too many similarities to ignore. So, nature vs. nurture is really more of a nature + nurture for sure.

Why am I thinking about this? Well, I am really wanting to know this little girl of mine and I'm wondering how much of me will she take on. How much of her biological mother and father will I get to see in her? Honestly, we should have the opportunity to meet her biological mother while we are in Ethiopia and I am so grateful for that--though it will be difficult, for sure. Still, to be able to present my daughter with a snapshot of the mother who carried her and gave her up rather than let her die, the mother she looks like and acts like, will be priceless to my daughter one day. I will be so happy to be that link to her void. I hope I can get a sense for who her birth mother is and what she is like so that maybe I can figure out what I'm in for!

I wonder...if my parents had that snapshot into my future before they adopted me, would they still have adopted me? I don't think I was the easiest kid to raise in a lot of ways. But, I'm mostly kidding. I don't think they would trade one moment that they had with me--well, maybe a few moments, but not the experience overall.

I hope my daughter gets a few things from me. I hope she has the same view of adoption that I've always had. I hope that she gets my strength and self-confidence. I hope that she has the same sense of value that I have. I also hope that she gets some things from her birth mother. I hope that she has her ability to give birth (I lack here). I hope that she also has her strength--she has a strength I don't know that I would have if I were in her shoes. I hope that she has her braveness.

I guess we'll just hope for a healthy mixture of nature + nurture. It's really a huge gamble, but I'm so ready to take it! Come on baby girl, mommy wants you home.

Some News

Well, our paperwork has FINALLY been submitted to the courts in Ethiopia. The courts are closing from August 6-September 27, so we won't be able to go for court until October, but this is still good news. At least our paperwork has been submitted and the courts now have it. Hopefully before they close they'll let us know when our court date is going to be in October--we're thinking towards the end of that month.

Keep on praying for our little one, please. Pray that she stays healthy during her remaining months in Ethiopia. Pray that our court date is scheduled for October and that everything that needs to happen before that does happen. Also, please pray that we'll have her home for Christmas. We'd all really like to see that happen! We received 7 new pictures this week and she looks great, but it is hard to watch her grow up in pictures.

Water park?

So, I took today off so that we could take the boys to a nearby water park for some summer fun. Who knew the water park would end up being in my basement! Ugh. Sump pump failed at the EXACT wrong time and this is the result.

Gavin found it very fun to clean up with his boots on. We sent Reily off with one of my sisters because he would not have been helpful.

This is Chris stepping on the corner of the wooden flooring. Water just whooshes out. It's actually almost funny. Almost.

4th of July

Papa likes to put on a fireworks show for the boys. They love it, even if it is raining!

Random

We love playing in the water.

The boys think they are superstars. I just think they're cute!

Seriously cute!

They wanted to model a couple of bows that I purchased online for Kayla. Seriously, it was their idea.

Baby Girl

Well, the baby is out of the hospital--has been since July 5, we're told. I guess she is doing well, so that's good news. Our paperwork still has not been processed, though many other families from our agency have been processed, so maybe it's only a matter of days. But, then we've been told that for about 5 weeks now, so we'll just have to see.

We did receive some new pictures from a family that was in Ethiopia recently and had a chance to interact with her there. It was fun to get the updated pictures, since the only two we have are over three months old. A lot changes from 4 months to almost 8 months of age. She's still cute,completely bald, and VERY skinny. I wish I could share them with everyone, but then we'd risk losing her, so I'd better keep them to myself for now.

Thanks for all the prayers. Keep 'em coming. I have found myself in a strange place lately--I've run out of words to pray for this situation.

We're keeping a friend's little girl for 10 days. We're 5 days in and so far, so good. It's actually easier with her here than when she's gone. She's a novelty to the boys, so they just play with her, pretty nicely, for hours--in the basement, no less. (How long do you think it'll take for that to wear off once the third child is their sister?) I'll have to snap some pictures of the three stinkers at some point. Pics of the boys coming soon! We've got some cute ones from the 4th.

It's true

I have often said that no matter how bad you have it, someone else always has it worse. It's not that this give you permission to feel superior to anyone else, but it does help to keep things in perspective. As cruddy as things get, I have my health, my loved ones are all still living and healthy, I have two children who are incredibly healthy and happy and I have a wonderful husband. Things could certainly be worse.

Take today, for instance. We just found out that what is ACTUALLY holding our case up is the fact that in the 67 days that Ethiopia has had our paperwork, they have failed to translate it. This should typically take 2-3 days. We were told at the beginning of May that the staff in Ethiopia had done all that they could to get our case submitted so that we would only have to travel once. Obviously not true. Two weeks ago, we were told that there were only a couple of very minor items missing from our file and then our case would be submitted soon. Well, if our paperwork hasn't been translated yet, it wasn't translated then either, so again...not true. This news--cruddy. But, at least 4 other families working with our agency just found out TODAY that they cannot travel to pick up the children that are already legally theirs TOMORROW as they were supposed to. Some change has occurred in Ethiopia only allowing 5 children to be processed per day instead of the usual 10. Our news was cruddy for sure, but these 4 (maybe more) families have it much worse than we do. I mean, we don't have any hope of making it to Ethiopia this summer anyway, so another delay really isn't going to hurt us, but these families were ready to go. Their kids here were prepared for their parents to be gone, some were even flying in a relative to care for their children in their absence. This is sheer insanity. I cannot imagine being one of those families. I'll take the news we got any day over that news. It helped put my news in perspective, definitely. Bummed for everyone stuck in this process. What a mess. Please pray for us, for our little girl (who is still in the hospital as far as we know) and for all the families caught in this disaster. I'm just sad for them and maybe a little for us.

Inspite of it all...

We are bound and determined to enjoy our summer with the boys no matter what the latest news out of Ethiopia is. So, Wednesday afternoon, we had a great time at a nearby waterpark and an outdoor concert. The boys loved it. I wore sunglasses (and made sure to take pictures, not be in them) all afternoon--hides the crying eyes, you know?

You're not supposed to bring snacks into the waterpark, but we're pinching pennies, so we did. This was Gavin's idea for being sneaky. You can tell he's rather proud of the idea! Chris was a good sport. Trust me, no one really cares if you have snacks or not. There was no need to hide.

BY THE WAY...Yesterday, we got another report on the baby. It actually had loads of details in it, unlike the first shocker. Sounds like she's doing well and is predicted to recover fully. Thank God for small miracles! We still have no idea when we'll get to her, but we'll keep you posted.